I have to confess the most difficult part of my sociophobia is being with kids. I like kids, it’s just I am scared to be rejected. I don’t know what to say and where to look. Besides if adults would at least try to be polite and choose words when they reject me, kids never do. They are very honest, never choose words and may even bite or beat me to be understood.
The first time I saw my brother he was already two years old. He is half-Greek and his name is Lambros. He doesn’t speak Russian and I wish my Greek would be much better. Lambros is actually my half-brother but I don’t like calling him my half-brother as he is to me my real brother; the brother I wanted since I was born and as you know, all dreams come true if you really really want them to. For some of them you just have to wait longer and be patient and I was patient for 21 years but I got it in the end.. My brother Lambros is 7 and I am 28.
I have to win his love everytime I see him.
I decided to make the most of my birthday and spend it as out of my comfort zone as possible. I am afraid of heights and have been trying to fight this for years. When we were standing at the top of the slide I realised my brother was as scared as I was but on the other hand I knew if we wouldn’t do it then he would have this feeling of fear and regret.
“You first”, he said.
“Of course. But then we’ll do it together, ok?” He nodded.
I am sure he didn’t believe I would actually jump from this frightening contraption that made me think it was not designed for adults at all. My life went fast in my head as I was sliding down! The next moment I was standing on the ground still alive and looking up. Little devil was looking at me in amazement from the top. I climbed the ladder and this time we were sliding together with his feet touching my back and I could see he was scared. I began cheering and the next moment we both were standing on the ground. He was all shaking and almost jumping of joy.
We did it. We did it so many times our hair were wet and every time I climbed the latter to the top of this kids’ slide people who worked at the playground smiled and looked sympathetically.
“You must be very tired. Such a lively child.”, said a woman who observed our joy. I didn’t feel tired I just felt so happy. I secretly dreamt about going to the slide and having all the experience kids have but I was too old. No one would let me, so now I looked to my brother as he was the most powerful weapon I have now! I could go to a playground that adults weren’t allowed, especially if they are going to play.
At the end of the day I went even further and went to a children’s birthday party. There is a girl named Konstantina and she is terminally ill. She can’t walk or talk, neither does she understand what’s going on around her and she is only four. Konstantina had her birthday on the same day. I have to admit even though I am so sociophobic I really enjoy being around mentally ill patients. I am magnetised to them. Everything seems interesting but not only that, I also feel a strong connection. When I held Konstantina’s tiny body in my hands at some point she looked at me and I felt warm and good. She is so beautiful. She can’t understand words but she surely feels emotions as shown when we all were singing “Happy Birthday” she was smiling and felt happy. I wish she lived closer so I could spend more time with her. Maybe I should consider volunteering back in London as everytime I am around people like that I gain my inner peace.
Back in the car my little brother was playing on a game he likes the most with a smart-phone. The game is about a cat which can copy and modify any sounds you make and he usually says some annoying phrases or sounds to annoy mom but this time it was “S’agapao Xristina”.. which in Greek means “I love you, Kristina”.